trapted

So today I spent my time home which is normally where I wanna be. I hate being anywhere today. I did alot of drawing that I can not share with you until I get that program Hello back on my computer. It might take awhile cause I just don't seem to have the ambition. I accomplished nothing today. Breanna stayed here for the weekend and all she does is want everything. I know she is little but there comes a point where its just not fun anymore. I am once again upset with my brother Lloyd. He sometimes acts like everything I say is just pointless. It makes me so mad. I hate the way he always talks down to me and plus he never once says he is wrong. He still doesn't ever see what is so plain to see. I am thinking that he will just have to go through everything I have and then find out for himself cause I am tired of always being treated like dirt. I am not any less of a person than him just because he is older. Its so childish. Then he said something about wanting to move out which that won't solve anything so ... if he does than fine but how is that going to hurt me any? At least when I have something to say I can own up to it. Today I also got a texted message from Ren. I mean I think its really great how everyone just calls me loser? sometimes its funny but more recently its really kinda rude. I am tired of caring so much about everyone else and not one person shows me the same respect. I think its horrible. I saw my mom today along with my other brother Jay. Why she always picks him over anyone is always going to be beyond me. I also found out some other things that really bother me about her. I can't believe sometimes that she is the reason for me being alive. Its just hard to accept people with such bad faults. I do Love my mother but ... it shouldn't be such a hard task. Recently I find myself very trapted. I am caught up in all this drama for no reason at all. Its also very difficult to know that part of you is dying and no one can see it. They either over look it or just don't care. I can't decide which it is yet. I know everyone else has there own lives to live and they are all busy making themselves into what they want to become but here I am. Rarely do I ask for too much. I am so happy with just a phone call or a random conversation. Its too much to ask of others sometimes. I hate feeling like I am no longer welcome to just be me. I have talked alot to Jake but sometimes he isn't enough. I know he is trying so hard but with him he can speak all these words but really it doesn't comfort me because he isn't right here. I know that sounds really selfish cause he would do anything for me but... I don't want him to. I think its because I am afraid that he will give up so much and realize it was a mistake. Then I would just feel that much worst. I know that if I gave him a reason to come back to Michigan he would do that for me but I am not going to ask him to give up the happiness he has found for himself there. I just couldn't let him settle for me. It wouldn't ever be right. Not only that but I really adore him but just as a friend now. I know that if I wanted I could make him so much more to me but .. I don't want to hurt him anymore that what I already have. Its just hard because he is the only one that sees part of me is missing. I am not sure how he could be the only one to know when he is so far away compaired to everyone else. People who stand right beside me and talk to me day after day don't even notice. I know that I have to make myself happy and I can not depend on anyone else for that. Its just no insentive when everyone you are surrounding yourself with Lies, and is so selfish. The only time I really get mad is at times like now. I am supposed to always just listen to them and make them feel better about themselves but all I ask is for them to once in awhile have meaningless conversations with me because thats what makes me want to keep going. I don't want to be the one they depend on anymore because I get nothing from it. Just a sore ear and broken heart because they tell me there sob story and I feel the need to make it part of my life. Well ... its not. So its going to take penty of time for me to get out of this situation I have found but.. I will manage somehow. For now I am leaving you cause Jenny Hicks is on her way. I will catch you people later!~Ruth