cold 

That famous sunset! 

Real to me 

Its a spiffy Little drawing by a stranger. 

More pictures 

Random photos found 

ah just not right.

So I have spent alot of time trying to figure out how the heck I can change the appearance of this here blog. Yeah its not working out for me :( I am very upset cause any place I go all it was talking about tags and formats and I haven't got a clue what I am doing. I wish I knew what I was doing. YIKES! well thats all for now cause I gotta go to work. Later!

ROCK ON !!

Mustard Plug was awesome once again last night. The first band we saw was one for the Books and they played in Gr before then we saw Kiss Me Quick before we had a blast watching Mustard Plug. So... that was awesome! On the way we ended up at fouth coast coffee shop where we saw two random boys just get out of their car to pee on a snow bank. Kinda disturbing but whatever! I talked to Shun Shaun not too long ago. He said he will try to track me down. I talked to Law Buddy Levi who just makes me worried. What a punk!! Jk. I love the Levi. Ah... I also got some disturbing emails from Ren and Larry saying people died. Hmm.. but anyhow... I found out that Dutch people have a plentiful supply of wood and cold winters.. Which the wooden shoes are great for warmth and not to mention the whole design being really good for your foot. YUP. lol... and it is also said that they did not originate in Holland like many people think they did. Weather or not thats a fact .. Only the real dutch people would know. so meh.. now I am questioning the whole Tabacco testing methods. How would they be able to tell the difference between a smoker and a second hand smoker just by using simple methods? No one knows that I have asked so by the next time I write I should be able to tell you. So.. Bladen,Bert and I are for sure going to play pool tonight. That should be fun.I have to get some socks on and then I think we are all good. Lol Love!~Ruth

Look its Ninja 

WHAT'S WITH THE WOOD?

So I have no idea why but the other day a few co-workers and I started wondering why do Dutch people wear wooden shoes? Today I still have no answer at all but I am trying to think of one. If only I was Dutch. The game plan currently for the up coming Mustard Plug concert is still undecided if all else fails .. I think I will attempt to hitchhike and call it good. YAY! sounds like a fun time to me. Yesterday I spent a lot of time just organizing random things. Yeah who would have known. Anyways somehow I managed to pull a muscle in my back. Which really hurts and BITES! I also didn't get everything done that I intended to. I got some emails from my pals. They are still alive which makes one think oh gee how sweet. I was okay today until I freakin came home to find that someone else drove my car around. WHAT THE SHELL? People just suck sometimes. Talk about hateful... I was more like livid. In the end I decided I will just have to either get over it or die but still it was rude and if they ever for one minute think they will catch me without my keys.. they have another thing coming. THOSE JERKS!! Today I worked with my Grandma and it was alot of fun. Once you get older you can always ask about everything that happen in the past and then you can understand any questions you ever had. So oh the things I learned about those suckers who think they can tell me how life is. The fact is they don't know any better than anyone else. So HA!! yup as you can tell I have been kinda mean all day. Working on my people skills though. I was supposed to call Bert sometime this week but doesn't look like I will get a chance. The snow outside really piled up but its so bitter cold we can't really spend much time playing in it which is really lame. Today ... I also spent alot of time with my lil cousin Breanna. Lets just say she is cute when she wants to be and a pain when she can be. I really got upset with her cause I asked her if she wanted to go to Wal-Mart really quick with me. She said yes and when we walked in the only thing she wanted was one of those stupid carts with a giant blue seat on them. I refused to walk around with one of those carts. I just couldn't do it. So instead I thought I could talk her into something else in the store. I tried to get the kid anything in that freakin store except the horrible cart and the only thing she wanted was that cart so finally I made my mom push her in it cause there was no way I would. Lol horrible but funny. Anyways.. so I asked her if she wanted anything to eat and she told me know. I hadn't had lunch so I got a lunchable which was just because I was running out the door and I had to get to work. Well we get in the car and Breanna says where is mine? Then I am like Kid you said you did't want anything. Then she was like but I want some meat from yours. So I gave her a piece of the meat and she said she didn't want it. I was like well thats fine. Whatever. Then after the lunchable was gone she says I wanted a cracker .. I am said well you might have mentioned that before they were gone sorry we can get you one later. Then I ask her if she wants the minicandy bar and she said yes... Then she told me that she wanted me to break it in half and we both have half. So I gave her half and took half. Then she puts it in her mouth to spit it back out and say she doesn't like it at all. So ... There we sat. I was really mad. The whole thing was just horrible. So I said Breanna thats it I am mad at you ... we can't be friends. all she did was look at me and say Ruth but listen to the words of my song. I was bitter so I said no I didn't want to but she said you gotta. So she starts singing I love you forever I love you for always as long as I'm living. so yeah ..the whole conclusion I got from the experiance is NEVER HAVE KIDS.THEY ARE WICKED LITTLE BEINGS! ah.. or Have kids at your own risk but if brought near me chances are I will be mad. Lol. Anyhow... I must be going cause I have to get up and work in the morning. So wishing you the best day. Later~Ruth

Well I ended up here.

So tonight I type here because once again I am finding there is no where else. Today was work once again it seems to be at the top of my list to everyones surprise. I am finding myself slowly leaning toward becoming a really boring person. I know hard to belive this Ninja is taking a break from fun.The weather around the world has been strange and making me wonder what the shell is going on these days? i mean one minute its winter and the next its like freakin spring. Who would have guessed? The other day I read some really great things that made me think "Let me tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be more lovely than you are now. We will never be here again" Which to me makes alot of sense on why they envy us but the reason why this mortal envys those gods is because they have all the time in the world to find everything they ever dream of. We however are stuck with the confusion of figuring out what we want first which also wastes so much time that by the time we figure out anything we know we want for sure ... life is over either that or you get what you thought you always wanted and find yourself unsatisfied. Imagine that. "of all of Gods creatures, man is the ONLY one to inflict pain on its own time merely for the PLEASURE of doing it" - Winston Churchhill. I enjoy this quote because I honestly believe its the truth with all of my soul. Its the painful truth which many of us tend not to see until we ourselves have lived to tell a sad tale about being hurt. Psh... its all just jibberish .. I go on to tell you that I have been just spending tons more time collecting my thoughts. They are never good collected thoughts. I was however glad that Jenny and I go places now days because she still can make me laugh and I really love that. Today I took a personality test that i found to be rather interesting but ...I also decided to trust it could be an error of judgement.It ranked the things I value automatically with my answers and in order starting with my top rank on down I will list them. My Pride,Family, Career, Money, and last but not least LOVE! So if that tells you anything more about me other than I would rather be greedy with my pride and have a career than Love. Congrats you have just found out why I am so demented. Psh... Anyhow if thats not troubling enough. I talked to Jake a few days ago. He is tiring of me. I can tell because its what we do go back and forth about stupid things until one of us stops picking up the phone for awhile. If it were up to me he would be the one person I wish I wouldn't have ever gotten close to cause really I know he has to be hurting just as much if not more than me. Its so stupid the way the world has to work in order for us all to survive and everytime you think you are going to die of a broken heart it just never works out for you. So psh.. I also decided it is much better to live and die happy than to live but never really live at all because you are too AFRAID OF LIFE. Thats pretty much where I see I am now. So if I was to die young it wouldn't be like I was already living so nothing to really fear but if I had something to lose you can bet I would give it my best to remain here. Ah so a few days ago I bumpped into Erik aka Sunshine. Man talk about distant. Psh I couldn't even tell if we were still able to see each other. I know sometimes it doesn't seem like that but others it just kills me how bad it is. There is nothing worst than wanting a person to be able to look at you and read your mind when you are standing just a few steps away. Well it never works that way unless there isn't that distance. I feel horrible though because I never would have risked losing such a good friend if I could have seen how we would be today.I mean I would kill to just be able to get back the friend that I once had. There for awhile he really did help me because he could show me two sides to every story and it didn't seem like a task to listen to the otherside and learn to accept it but now especially with my mom there is only my side because anytime I try to understand her side It makes me really mad and frusterated. Weather he knew it or not he was the reason I gave her a second chance cause he yelled at me everytime I was being a fool. Lol and sometimes thats something you need people to do. Today I got an email from Ren. She really makes me laugh sometimes cause she has no idea how much the whole being just Ren matters to me. I like it better when I know she is doing great. Last night we spent our time hangingout with Tony at his apartment. we were having fun but I had to leave and get up at freakin 5am. Psh not cool. Oh yeah and we met up with Bert for a brief moment and someone jacked his antenna topper NOT COOL! I talked to Shaun Collins once er twice and ah.. he is a worker. I know he really doesn't think its cool that we never hangout but makes it that much more fun for the next time. I can't help it either that I have a job that keeps me busy as well. Ah.. stupid Ruth should be sleeping cause I mentioned breakfest to Jenny but who knows if I will make it.I guess Richards Wife is home now so thats really cool. I hope one day we all get to meet cause ah .. I think he is hiding us or something afraid she will think we are dorks which we are but he doesn't want to let her know he has taken us out a few times. Lol. I also feel bad cause Jesus had a birthday awhile ago and freakin we can't make any plans to celebrate cause one of us always has to work. Zach Sutton had a birthday too. Psh everyone except me. lol.. its okay I intend to stay young forever until old age slaps me when I am 49! This week I have also heard so many stories from my Grandma that tell me how she is who she became today. They make me laugh but I can't believe some of them. I don't know if I have the guts to do half the things she has done in her life. Yikes. Lots to live up to. The day before yesterday my Mom and I got into a huge snowball fight and I was winning til she "accidently" Hit me in the nose. IT really HURT!! I was kinda mad cause I didn't defend myself. yeah and my brothers and I still dont seem to get along very well. I don't know what the deal is with Lloyd because I mean I really try but he is always mad at me for something and normally then he just yells until he gets mad and storms out or I lock myself in my room. Jay will never be the brother he could have been to me because he is just not able to set aside his bad habbits and selfishness to care about anyone else. He always thinks he is the victim in any situation and that everyone should feel sorry for him. Well not going to happen here.On wednesday we went to meet up with all my Grandmothers friends like we normally do on wednesday mornings and ... She told them all she found my husband. You know how much this makes me laugh, She can't just decide some stranger is just going to walk up and be marrying me because she say so. I love her but her ideas sometimes ... just don't workout as she intends. Tonight I was asking her how to spell squirrel and she was on the otherside of the room and she thought I said FOIL. I was like yes Grandma FOIL!ah you gotta love her though cause it really is funny.I have not however talked much to Shaun Bowe this week because for some reason I have nothing to say and when I do he never replies. I think I lost yet another friend. I suppose thats what happens to everyone.My dog has been doing better and he isn't running into so many things which is a really good thing because I thought there for awhile he was going to cause himself more brain damage. I have not heard from Levi at all. I kinda wish I would but he is always so busy doing his own thing. I know he can't just drop everything to call and have meaningless conversations about NOTHING but still its kinda nice to pick up the phone to recognize the voice of someone you really think is aweome and its even better when they remember to call you just because they wanted to.We had some great times together and I hope one day we will be able to catch up and repeat some of them. Not all lol cause somethings are a once in a life time deal.I am kinda stressing out about getting another job and paying for my car right now. really not cool and ah to go to college would be a really big thing to. I so want to learn about everything but I don't want to have to sit in a classroom full of sucky people and be lectured all day. I guess I will have to to wait and see. So ... For now I am going to get going I am tired from working all day and lack of sleep last night so there is no sense in adding another sleepless night.
G'Night.

trapted

So today I spent my time home which is normally where I wanna be. I hate being anywhere today. I did alot of drawing that I can not share with you until I get that program Hello back on my computer. It might take awhile cause I just don't seem to have the ambition. I accomplished nothing today. Breanna stayed here for the weekend and all she does is want everything. I know she is little but there comes a point where its just not fun anymore. I am once again upset with my brother Lloyd. He sometimes acts like everything I say is just pointless. It makes me so mad. I hate the way he always talks down to me and plus he never once says he is wrong. He still doesn't ever see what is so plain to see. I am thinking that he will just have to go through everything I have and then find out for himself cause I am tired of always being treated like dirt. I am not any less of a person than him just because he is older. Its so childish. Then he said something about wanting to move out which that won't solve anything so ... if he does than fine but how is that going to hurt me any? At least when I have something to say I can own up to it. Today I also got a texted message from Ren. I mean I think its really great how everyone just calls me loser? sometimes its funny but more recently its really kinda rude. I am tired of caring so much about everyone else and not one person shows me the same respect. I think its horrible. I saw my mom today along with my other brother Jay. Why she always picks him over anyone is always going to be beyond me. I also found out some other things that really bother me about her. I can't believe sometimes that she is the reason for me being alive. Its just hard to accept people with such bad faults. I do Love my mother but ... it shouldn't be such a hard task. Recently I find myself very trapted. I am caught up in all this drama for no reason at all. Its also very difficult to know that part of you is dying and no one can see it. They either over look it or just don't care. I can't decide which it is yet. I know everyone else has there own lives to live and they are all busy making themselves into what they want to become but here I am. Rarely do I ask for too much. I am so happy with just a phone call or a random conversation. Its too much to ask of others sometimes. I hate feeling like I am no longer welcome to just be me. I have talked alot to Jake but sometimes he isn't enough. I know he is trying so hard but with him he can speak all these words but really it doesn't comfort me because he isn't right here. I know that sounds really selfish cause he would do anything for me but... I don't want him to. I think its because I am afraid that he will give up so much and realize it was a mistake. Then I would just feel that much worst. I know that if I gave him a reason to come back to Michigan he would do that for me but I am not going to ask him to give up the happiness he has found for himself there. I just couldn't let him settle for me. It wouldn't ever be right. Not only that but I really adore him but just as a friend now. I know that if I wanted I could make him so much more to me but .. I don't want to hurt him anymore that what I already have. Its just hard because he is the only one that sees part of me is missing. I am not sure how he could be the only one to know when he is so far away compaired to everyone else. People who stand right beside me and talk to me day after day don't even notice. I know that I have to make myself happy and I can not depend on anyone else for that. Its just no insentive when everyone you are surrounding yourself with Lies, and is so selfish. The only time I really get mad is at times like now. I am supposed to always just listen to them and make them feel better about themselves but all I ask is for them to once in awhile have meaningless conversations with me because thats what makes me want to keep going. I don't want to be the one they depend on anymore because I get nothing from it. Just a sore ear and broken heart because they tell me there sob story and I feel the need to make it part of my life. Well ... its not. So its going to take penty of time for me to get out of this situation I have found but.. I will manage somehow. For now I am leaving you cause Jenny Hicks is on her way. I will catch you people later!~Ruth

Yikes 2005!

So everyone was out having a great time on new years eve. I however ended home all alone with only my buddy kohl. What the shell happen? Not even sure. So ... There was a few parties that I didn't attend. One infact I will be telling people later I attended but meh... its not true. It was really kinda sad that I just sat at home. I didnt even feel like I was welcome to be with my friends and family this year. I know that sounds stupid but its true they all have their own lives and stuff now. Kohl loves me though it might be the ax to his head that made him really learn to love me but ... he does. I was happy though Jake did cheer me up alot cause he kept sending me text messages. I think thats awesome of him. Made me kinda lonely but psh... its the thought that counts. So... New Years day wasn't too bad. I went out and saw the new house my mom bought. Interesting. It needs alot of work but she is going to get to do whatever she wants to it so thats kinda cool. I think its really sad how much I don't miss my childhood. I never wish to relive the days when I was there. Its most likely not the best feelings to have towards your past but... its something. I did finally get a new phone. so thats always a good thing cause now I can call all my people if needed. Most likely I won't do that either. Last night was Jesus Bags Birthday! Once again Happy BIRTHDAY JESUS Bag! Anyhow for her Birthday we went out to try to see Meet the Fockers. It didn't work out for us cause the theater was sold out. So instead we ended up seeing Mike and Bert at work. They made us food. Mike talked about how lame my hair looked. :( meh.. its just that way. Oh yeah and apparently God is going to call Jesus and I sometime. Can't wait I have alot of questions for him. Ha ha! So after that Tony wanted us to go get him some cds bad mistake. We were almost blinded by the whores in the van next to us getting it on. SO NOT RIGHT!! At least if you are going to be that way in public be hot. Golly gee folks. So once we threw those off to him. we saw Jenny Hicks cause she is our pal. We all laughed for maybe an hour or less? who was keeping tabs? Lol anyhow ... it was alot of random nonsense. After that Jesus and I went to walmart to see if we couldn't find that dick kid but it didn't work out so we left and decided we need new friends! So today I had to babysit Breanna all day long. It was a interesting time. We had some fun and ate some Ramen noodles together cause Ramen is what real friends are made of! So ... then I chatted it up with Bert for a moment to tell him how dumb I am then... I just hungout in my house for the evening. Psh... and I am so stupid. I thought I had to work tomorrow but no not til TUESDAY! Can you believe this crap? So... i won't be working tomorrow. No reason for it. I did talk to Richard tonight and he called me a dork? like he has room to speak. Psh.. If I am a dork its cause I learned it from you! Just kidding or am I? either way its not important. I am slowly realizing there are so many moments in life you just let pass you by and you don't realize how much they mean until they are no longer your routine. I miss certain people so much sometimes I feel like I can't live without them. Somehow I always manage. I mean ... Its so hard sometimes to realize that you can't keep living in just one moment. I sometimes wish that I could stop time and completely absorb the whole surrounding area that way I never forget the thoughts I had at that second or the way the lights were bouncing off from people or the saftey I felt or the exact temperature of my skin or so many other small details that you would kill to relive from time to time. Its just all so frusterating when the thing you remember the most is being stuck in the dark, all alone, in the cold, feeling insecure. Its just not something you want to be so familiar with. Ah... so for now these are my misguided thoughts. I hope to keep you posted when something changes. Love~Ruth